Watching Twilight: Eclipse: A Minute-By-Minute Analysis
The latest installment of Twilight is here, and we're in a theater, watching the drama unfold. Team Edward! Team Jacob! Team Bella! Team Popcorn!
12:44pm: Harry Potter trailer is on. I have no snacks and no booze and I am sweating from hustling over here.
12:45: Grr. Someone is in my “favorite” liveblogging seat all the way in the back.
12:46: The theater is mostly full! Don't people have jobs?
I'm gonna go get a frozen cherry Coke.
12:50: Ok, when I was getting a Coke I saw three teenage girls in denim shorts and Twilight t-shirts. The shirts seemed to be Team Wolf Pack.
12:54: Out of the 125 or so people in the theater I'd say 99 are female and 97 are under 24.
12:55: Zac Efron trailer. No twitters from the crowd, even when he kisses a girl.
12:56: Wait! Giggles! I spoke too soon.
12:58: The word “eclipse” came on the screen and a girl behind me yelled, “Yes!”
12:59: Bella and Sparkle Vamp are kissing in a field of flowers.
1:00: “Marry me,” he says. She says no. He asks again and she says, “change me.”
1:01: She says if she marries him at her age people will think she's knocked up. Crowd laughs.
1:02: Bella at home and talks to her dad who is all, 'you need some separation from that kid.'
Dad is saying 'spend time with other people, like Jacob.'
1:05: Bella is trying to go see Jacob but Edward is cock-blocking by suddenly manifesting in her truck.
1:06: Some kind of bullshit happened at school but I dunno, some of these scenes consist of people just staring at each other.
1:07: Something is going on in Seattle and it's not good…
1:09: Bella and Edward are in Florida visiting her mom. Her mom is talking to her about college, and all I can think about is that commercial where the girl goes, 'FACE IT, I'M NOT GETTING INTO COLLEGE!”
Anyway, Bella is maybe going to the University of Alaska.
1:12: But really, she's going nowhere because she's gonna marry Sparkle Vamp and get knocked up, right???
1:14: Cut to: Action sequence! The Cullen gang is tracking the red-haired vampire lady and she goes into “their territory”…werewolves!
Lots of jumping and running and CGI wolves.
1:15: God, the SparkleVamp's contact lenses are sooooo bad.
1:16: Ok, so, Jacob is telling Edward that 'your kind needs to stay off our land.'
1:17: And Bella is pissed that Edward didn't tell her about the redhead looking for her.
1:18: She gets on the back of Jacob's motorcycle and there are murmurs from the girls behind me.
1:19: Wolfpack boys! Shirtless and so very very young.
1:20: Jacob and Bella go into the barn and he explains imprinting to her: “It's the feeling that nothing else matters” – only her.
A girl down the row from me goes, “THAT IS MY MAN!”
1:21: Jacob says, 'better you be dead than one of them.'
1:22: Some strange vampire is in Bella's house.
1:23: Edward appears and says, “Someone's been here.” Duh!
1:24: Vampire conference! The Cullens are going to figure out what to do. How to protect Bella.
1:26: Then Jacob gets involved and he and Edward are bickering over Bella and she says, 'from now on I'm Switzerland, okay?' Edward leaves Bella in Jacob's custody, and Jacob is NOT wearing a shirt.
1:30: Jacob takes Bella to the Rez, and the older Native American dude is telling stories around the campfire. He is telling of the tribe's first contact with the cold ones – aka vampires.
The guy says something terrible is coming and we must be prepared.
1:32: Okay, so, the random guy has made a new vampire somewhere in Seattle.
1:34: And now the Cullens watch the news and see Seattle is full of mayhem. Dr. Cullen says “someone's creating an army.” Bella: “An army of vampires.”
1:36: Bella and Edward are in bed (???) and he is explaining why he doesn't want to make her a vampire. Basically, it's painful and you suffer and everyone you know dies of old age.
1:42: Jacob and Bella are by a lovely lake. He tells her that she has a choice. She doesn't have to be undead and say goodbye to those she loves: she can be withhim. I am in love with you, he says. He kisses her. She pushes him away. And punches him, which has no effect on him but hurts her hand. Laughter.
1:45: Ugh, some kind of flashback involving Rosalie, and her life before she was a vamp. Yawn.
1:46: She is trying to make Bella see that wanting to be a vampire is a bad idea. Bella says 'I will never want anything more than I want Edward' and Rosalie says 'you're wrong – there is one thing you'll want so bad you'll kill for it: Blood.' DUN DUN DUN.
1:49: Graduation day. Anna Kendrick is giving a speech, saying this is not a time to make decisions, this is a time to make mistakes. And learn from them. And of course, this affects Bella.
Graduation party. I think Muse is playing? Jacob shows up and gives Bella a wolf keychain he made.
1:51: Suddenly Alice has a vision. The army of vampires is coming! Zomg! Oh, in four days. They have time to team up with the wolves and train or some shit.
1:54: Dr. Cullen is saying that the newborn vampires are super strong – that when you're a newborn vampire you're the strongest you'll ever be, which all vampire experts know is total bullshit.
Older vamps are stronger! Gah.
1:57: Training montage. Vampires run at each other at full speed. Snore.
1:58: Training is over. Bella says goodbye to Jacob – who is in wolf form – by kind of scratching him between the ears. An “awwww” from the girls behind me.
2:05: I can't understand why but Jacob is carrying Bella through the woods.
2:07: I'm bored.
2:10: Alice has told Bella's dad that she and Bella are having a sleepover. But really, the Cullens are going to be in the woods and Edward and Bella will have the house to themselves.
2:12: Now Bella's dad is giving her the talk, saying words like “precautions” and “you don't want to have to get married because you weren't careful. She says, “Dad, I'm a virgin.
Giggles in the theater.
2:13: Edward and Bella are at his house. He has a bed now. She is trying to get him ot have sex with her!!!
She is like, “I want you. You said I should have every human experience!”
He's all: “It's too dangerous.”
She says “Try! Just try.”
2:15: They are rolling around and making out and he says “Stop trying to take your clothes off.”
Basically, he is refusing to fuck her. “I just want to marry you first.”
The word “virtue” comes out of his mouth. And he talks about the olden days – he says, “back then, I would have courted you.”
2:17: “…and I would have asked your father for permission and I would have gotten on one knee and said…”
2:18: And he proposes to her. The music goes ooh ooh weeee ooh….wooh ooh wee oooh, like all romantic and shit.
2:19: Cut to Seattle, where the red haired lady is the one secretly behind the army of vampires.
Of course.
2:21: Okay, the army is coming! Jacob is carrying Bella up the side of a mountain.
2:22: At the top of the mountain Edward and a tent are waiting.
2:24: Night falls. Bella is freezing. Jacobs comes in and wants to warm her up but Edward is like, “don't touch her”. Jacob says something about her teeth chattering – and says he can help. “Let's face it, I'm hotter than you.”
2:26: A shirtless Jacob cradles Bella. Edward seethes.
2:27: It would be way more interesting if things got all Brokeback up in here.
2:31: Bella sleeps and Edward and Jacob have a talk, which is like, “I hate you but we love the same woman yadda yadda yadda.”
2:33: Next morning: Jacob finds out Bella is marrying Edward. He is mad! He runs away and Bella calls after him, “Jacob!” Then says “KISS ME” and he does! They are making out on the mountain top! There is snow all around, yet Jacob is wearing no shirt. And cargo shorts.
2:35: Okay, so, Bella has just realized she loves Jacob.
But ZOMG the army is here!
2:36: Battle between big fluffy doggies and baby vamps!
And here on the mountain, red haired lady has found Bella and Edward.
2:37: Showcase showdown!!!!
Wolves! Vampires! Snow!
2:39: Bella cuts herself, bleeding, to distract the bad vamps. Jacob kills random guy. Edward kills redheaded lady.
2:40: Applause in audience. Girl behind me says “YAY EDWARD” and then: “at least something happened.”
2:43: Okay, the Volturi showed up, lead by Dakota Fanning.
2:44 I missed something, but Jacob got hurt bad. Anyway, the Volturi act all menacing and then leave.
2:46: On the rez, Dr. Cullen is setting Jacob's bones. He leaves and Bella goes in to see Jacob.
Uh, they are talking about feelings. Jacob says, “I'm exactly right for you.”
2:49: Damn he's cute!
Now Edward and Bella are back in the field of purple flowers discussing their wedding. Yeah…
2:50: She says, “This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob. This was about who I should be and who I am. I never felt normal…because I'm not normal. I feel strong with you and blah blah blah”
2:53: So they're going to tell Bella's dad the plan! But first she has to put the ring on…
And fade to black. Smattering of applause.
2:54: I gotta pee.
Earlier: Translating The Twilight: Eclipse Trailer
Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.
The story of “Twilight” movies setting records feels about as fresh as a 100-year-old vampire, but here it is anyway: “Eclipse” not only set a record as the year’s top advance ticket-seller, but Deadline.com is reporting that it’s also the biggest domestic release in Tinseltown’s history.
While logically we know this probably would’ve happened regardless of what critics said of the film – honestly, Roger Ebert could type “abcdefg” and “Eclipse” tickets would still represent 91 percent of Fandango.com’s sales today – but we’re curious if the surprisingly positive reviews have had an impact on the anticipation for the film.
When the second installment of Stephenie Meyer’s saga, “New Moon,” released, film reviewers were ruthless.
But "Eclipse" – thanks in large part, it seems, to director David Slade ("Hard Candy"; "30 Days of Night")– just may be a movie non-fans can sink our teeth into, courtesy of some much-needed tongue-in-cheek humor and a quickened pace.
New York Times: “‘Eclipse,’ directed by David Slade, is a more robustly entertaining film than either of its predecessors….What there isn’t, as usual, is much in the way of good acting, with the decisive and impressive exception of Ms. Stewart, who can carry a close-up about as well as anyone in movies today. Mr. Lautner still seems to have recently escaped from a high school cheerleading squad somewhere, and Mr. Pattinson’s pout conveys not the existential angst of a lovelorn immortal, but rather the peevishness of a guy who just lost a Greta Garbo lookalike contest — for the third time in a row! — to his own girlfriend.”
L.A. Times: “ 'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse' is back with all of the lethal and loving bite it was meant to have…. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner…finally, finally breathe life into the characters first created by publishing phenom Stephenie Meyer.
[Director David] Slade finds a way to blend the street-smart edge he brought to 'Hard Candy' with the dark irony of '30 Days of Night' to bring some serious fun to 'Eclipse.' Finally, someone with a sense of humor about vampire love….”
USA Today: "This is definitely the most romantic of the films, although some of these scenes are set in flower-filled meadows that bring to mind feminine-hygiene commercials. The action sequences are harder-edged, and occasionally exciting, especially the scenes of vamps who sprint and run in mid-air, as if in flight. But it's still hard to see what all the fuss over ordinary Bella is about…The huge contingent of girls — and women with girlish fantasies — who liked the first two movies will doubtless enjoy Eclipse. But this third go-round won't make Twihard converts of the rest of us."
Hollywood Reporter: “It took three films, but 'The Twilight Saga' finally nails just the right tone in 'Eclipse,' a film that neatly balances the teenage operatic passions from Stephenie Meyer's novels with the movies' supernatural trappings….Where the first film leaned heavily on camp and the second faltered through caution and slickness, 'Eclipse' moves confidently into the heart of the matter – a love triangle that causes a young woman to realize choices lead to consequences that cannot be reversed.”
Roger Ebert: "The movie contains violence and death, but not really very much. For most of its languorous running time, it listens to conversations between Bella and Edward, Bella and Jacob, Edward and Jacob, and Edward and Bella and Jacob. This would play better if any of them were clever conversationalists, but their ideas are limited to simplistic renderings of their desires."
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The official Twilight Eclipse trailer in all of its 90-second glory is making the rounds on the Internet much to the delight of Twilight fans worldwide. Though fan-made trailers have been popping up for awhile now, the official Twilight Eclipse trailer, seen in this video, sets the stage for battles on several fronts in Twilight world, including Jacob vowing to fight for Bella and Victoria's vendetta against Bella.
The official Twilight Eclipse trailer will be available on the big screen for Twilight fans needing a larger-than-life Twilight Eclipse fix. The official Twilight Eclipse trailer will be shown before Robert Pattinson's new movie, Remember Me, released this Friday. Kristen Stewart says in this video of Twilight Eclipse that the series will delve into the different levels of love the main characters experience more than the previous two films.
